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Recently my husband needed to use my car, so organised his mother to give me a ride to where I needed to go that day. And I was scandalised – why on Earth should this woman go out of her way to ferry me around? She had work, she’s a busy woman, why should she interrupt her day to get me where I needed to go?
Irrational? Yeah… and yet I can’t seem to accept help when I need it.
I thought of everything to avoid this scenario. I’d catch a cab. I’d walk. Anything but have someone do something nice for me when it didn’t bother them one iota and they were more than happy to help out. Who am I to ask someone to do me a favour? I need something, I’ll sort it out.
For a reasonable human being who thinks logically and flexibly, this hang-up from my younger years where I was riddled with self-esteem issues is both annoying and petty. I married into a family who wouldn’t bat an eyelid if one of them needed help, and there is a constant graceful dance of each person working in small but meaningful ways for the other. My background is the opposite… If I needed something, I either got it myself or I didn’t get it at all. I was never anyone’s priority and my needs were my own. I missed out on a lot and I learned to live with less.
Now that other people care deeply about my happiness and comfort, I still can’t let them. I either straight-out forget to ask if someone can give me a hand because I’m so focused on doing it myself, or I can’t muster the courage to ask someone to help for fear of them saying no. I loathe being a burden and hate that I can’t just say: “If you wouldn’t mind, could you please…?” when I need something. I never hesitate to help others, and often enjoy it, so I know the people I ask for a favour might very well feel the same. And while I’ve worked myself up into a self-esteem powerhouse, I still can’t seem to let go of the idea that someone should never go out of their way for me.
A woman thing? A mum thing? An idiot thing? Who knows… but I’ll sort it out myself!
Do you find it difficult to ask for help?
