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In a matter of weeks, I will be the proud owner of a brand-new bundle of joy. And in preparation, even though it’s not my first time on this merry-go-round, I’ve been reading up on what to expect. I have a wonderful collection of very, very dated books on cooking, homemaking, mothering and birthing which are an absolute hoot to look over, especially when it comes to advice for the new mother. And it got me thinking – while I’ve been very fortunate in avoiding the possibly well-meaning but truly incredibly annoying unsolicited advice brigade, I’ve not been totally immune. Here are some crackers I’ve heard.
Don’t tickle the baby’s feet, or they’ll be pigeon-toed. This one comes courtesy of my mother. She told me the midwives informed her at the hospital that this was a rule not to be broken. Being young and naïve, she believed them – and probably never tickled my infant feet. Which is incredibly strange, seeing as I did end up pigeon-toed for a while there and when she pointed it out to me one day in exasperation I was so terrified I thought it meant I would end up in a wheelchair. I was never pigeon-toed ever again.
After eight months, breast milk isn’t any good for a baby. Say what? How does that work? What would be the point of continuing to lactate if whatever came out was devoid of nutrients? What does come out after eight months instead of milk? Coke? And why eight months? So arbitrary. Perhaps the hairdresser who dispensed this nugget of gold so matter-of-factly should stick to celebrity affairs and asking three times if I’ve seen any good movies lately.
Don’t put a baby in a Jolly Jumper or they’ll forever walk on their toes. What is it with 1980s midwives and baby feet?
Babies need to learn to go to sleep without anything in their mouth. No they don’t.
Don’t take babies to cold climates. They’ll be cold. Really? This one came when I was taking my daughter to Melbourne in winter. What do people who LIVE in Melbourne do with their babies? Hell, what do Inuits do?
Don’t read baby books. You should just be surprised.Now this one was a bit of a shocker for me - I couldn’t even formulate a coherent sentence after hearing it. Not only is it a ridiculous thing to tell a new mother to do, but the person who told me this knows better. And probably read every book ever available in the history of child-rearing when she was having children. There are a thousand ways I parent that would probably piss someone off, but to hassle me about educating myself on the most important job I will ever undertake is simply ludicrous.
And the rumour that just won’t die: Don’t pick up a crying baby, you’ll spoil them. I dare someone to say this to me! Go on!
What is the most ridiculous piece of advice you have been offered?
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