If anything could drive you to run away from your family, this might be it
It happened. I broke. Last night while my 18-month-old child screamed, I sat on her bedroom floor and cried. I heaved. I wept until my husband came in and gently touched me on the arm, swept the baby up with him and whispered: "Go to sleep, honey".
I couldn't take myself off to my glorious bed though as our other two children had already climbed in there to get away from the toddler who we'd let scream it out. It had worked with the others - not this one. She just won't give in. She just keeps screaming. She's as stubborn as hell.
As I lay on the lounge hiding from everyone, with my blanket thrown over my face, I willed her to sleep. She had to or my husband and I would crumble in a heap. We're just so tired. We've been going to sleep late, up working, and then waking before the kids to work again. I've probably got too much on my plate, but I like to eat a lot. I've always been hungry for more.
I momentarily indulged in the idea of grabbing the car keys and driving away. It was 1am though and I didn't know where I'd drive to. Where does a nearly 40-year-old married mum of three kids drive at that time of the morning? And I wasn't wearing a bra. The thought of just leaving made me feel better for a moment, but then it just saddened me. I can't go anywhere. This is my life. I've chosen this path.
I am just so tired. Nearly every night for months our toddler has been waking just as we are going to bed or just after we've fallen asleep. Sometimes she will settle down in our bed and go straight back to sleep. That's if we're lucky. Generally, she will scream. You know the deal if you have kids. You know how relentless it is. You know how damn tired you are and how you never think you'll sleep again.
I knew as I sat on her bedroom floor sobbing, tears rolling down my cheeks, that she may have broken me for now, but soon she'll stop waking through the night and soon we will be through this stage. I was just so exhausted. I still am. It's never-ending. The never-ending exhaustion.
This article was first published on Bianca's blog bigwords.
Bianca is an Adelaide-based blogger and writer who, not only is the publisher of bigwords, has also written for websites such as The Hoopla, The Drum, JustB, Kidspot, Happy Child and Kleenex Mums. You can hear her regularly on the 5AA Radio segment The Mother's Club and more infrequently on ABC Radio. She has also appeared on the Today Show and Channel 10 News. Her speciality area is business reporting and she has dabbled in public relations and corporate writing, but for the past few years she has developed new skills including breastfeeding and diplomacy. She has three children. You can also follow her on Twitter @bigwordsblog.
Are you exhausted too?