It’s that time of year again
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It’s that time of year again: CBA time. And no, it has nothing to do with a bank. CBA stands for Can’t Be Arsed, as in ‘cannot be bothered’ (but better because you get to say ‘arsed.’)
Blame it on the weather, the post-Christmas and New Year let-down or just the general funk caused by boring summer television programming but chances are you CBA doing anything. If you’re at home with kids, you CBA. If you’re back at work, you totally CBA. And if you’re reading this while you’re meant to be making a start on dinner, it’s a fair bet you so CBA it’s not even funny.
Even the good people at one women's magazine know you CBA, which is why the front cover of their current issue screams “One BBQ chook 7 yummy ways!” If you know you CBA making dinner for the next week, this is clearly the magazine for you.
I, on the other hand, wish to challenge you a little. Go right ahead and make charcoaled poultry delicacies for the next seven nights if you CBA for dinner. But don’t ignore my suggestions for seven other things you can do with a BBQ chook:
1) Dress it up. No, really. Did your daughter get Cabbage Patch Doll’s clothes for Christmas? Hint: they’re not just for Cabbage Patch Dolls. Why not surprise your beautiful girl by picking up a charcoal chook tonight, dressing it up like her favourite Cabbage Patch Doll and then leaving it on the end of her bed while she sleeps so she wakes screaming with/without joy tomorrow morning?
2) Use it as a water feature. This is some heatwave we’re having and if you’re home with kids, it’s hard to find cooling activities. Why not shove a garden hose up a charcoal chicken, stick it on the lawn and then crank it full-blast? The kids will love playing with their new, fun ‘sprinkler’ and when they get hungry after half an hour’s frolicking, they can eat it.
3) Put it down the front of your pants. This is another one to combat the heatwave. If you’re having trouble coping with the hot weather, why not position a burning- hot BBQ chook right up against your frontbum? The soaring temperatures outside will seem much more bearable in comparison.
4) Fix your feral feet. Have the last couple of weeks scuffing around in thongs left your heels all dry and rough? Shove your feet into a couple of charcoal chooks. Chicken fat is a terrific moisturiser and the heat of the chooks will really let those moisturising juices penetrate. Apparently.
5) Make it the new office mascot. Having to work at this time of year is always difficult because you know everyone else is on holidays. This can really lower office morale so why not bung a charcoal chook on your desk, fill it full of brightly-coloured flowers and let the fragrance of slowly-decaying foliage and fowl inspire you to climb towards higher professional heights?
6) Send it to Kim Kardashian and Kanye West. Let’s face it: when it’s finally born, Kim and Kanye’s kid is going to have everything. EVERYTHING. One thing I can guarantee it won’t have is a BBQ chook all the way from Australia. Unless of course Beyonce and Jay-Z’s kid has one, in which case ‘Kimye’ will no doubt have two.
7) I was going to give you my seventh suggestion but honestly, I just CBA.
