I’m a breastfeeding failure

There, I said it! When it comes to breastfeeding my babies, it definitely ain’t my forte. I wish it was, but it’s not, and I’m ok with that. However, accepting this fact was a heart-wrenching realisation for me as a new Mother.

I remember being pregnant with my first bundle of life and sitting through the prenatal classes thinking “Oh I got this whole newborn-thing down pat….easy”

Oh my, you can imagine the jolting shock I got once Ella arrived and I discovered parenting was so far from easy……bloody hard in fact! And breastfeeding....wow, I wasn’t expecting it to be one of the hardest, most painful experiences of my life.

I wanted so badly to be the Mum, I had envisioned. The mother who casually and calmly nestled her hungry baby against her body and discretely fed. Skin to skin, interlocked body contact with my child. I wanted to lock eyes with my nursing baby knowing that my body was providing everything they needed.  But it wasn’t that simple and my body, in sync with Ella’s, was not meeting her hunger or nutritional needs. I persisted through the late night sessions of pumping, the strawberry coloured, blood-stained milk from torn skin, the razor blade pains of mastitis, the screaming hungry infant, all the while chanting: “Breast is Best” over & over in my mind. Ella’s weight gain was in reverse and I was a tired, emotionally wrecked Mother. The day we decided to call off all attempts at breastfeeding and introduce her to the world of formula and bottles was a hard idea for a new, vulnerable Mother like me to accept. I felt like a failure. I phoned my own Mum “I’ve failed my daughter” I cried. I felt useless as Ella’s provider, and I even mourned the Mama I imagined I was going to be.

Thankfully Ella started to thrive on the formula and she quickly responded well to it. I started to feel at ease with our decision and I was reassured I had done the best thing for my girl.

Looking back now, I can laugh about it, but at the time….I was a mess. Silly really! Hindsight would’ve been a wonderful tool to have at that moment. Because now, 4years on, I look at Ella. She’s healthy, she’s smart, she’s active, she’s hit every ‘required’ milestone out of the park and she’s happy. And really, that’s all that matters. Whether it takes breast milk or formula to get your child to a thriving point, we’re all doing our best!

Being a Mother isn’t exactly how I envisioned it, but do you know what? It’s better than I ever imagined it would be. Even the best-made plans change, and I think that was one of the biggest lessons I realised in those first few crazy months of Ella’s life. And as I looked around at all the different Mother figures in my life, I could see how blatant it was….all of then, whether breastfeeding or bottle feeding; were doing their best! We all have the same goal; to raise healthy, happy, balanced kids and sometimes to reach your goal, you have to break your own rules, change the plan, find a new path and truly accept your own strengths and weaknesses. 

My memories of raising my two children don’t involve blissful moments of breastfeeding, but they do contain intense bonding moments involving bottles and giggles and love.

Like most Mothers; I parent with intention and joy. I cherish and love. I teach and guide and play, and I give unconditionally. But when it comes to breastfeeding, sorry, this Mama sucks! {no pun intended} 

Did you breastfeed? Was it anything like you had imagined it to be?

Claire is a coffee addicted, life-loving mother of two little cherubs. She’s a work-from-home-mum, Freelance Writer, Typography Print Designer, a blogger and a woman on a mission to embrace life for everything it’s worth. You can find Claire at www.clairechadwick.com.au or read about her family’s adventures on her popular blog: http://blog.scissorspaperrockdesigns.com.au/