11 ways to deal with your mother-in-law

A recent Daily Telegraph online survey into in-laws shows that many mothers-in-law are seen as being passive-aggressive and gossips! More than a quarter of respondents said their partner's mother had actively tried to break up their relationship. So how do you deal with a difficult mother-in-law?

When your mother-in-law just doesn't like you...

A Daily Telegraph online surevy has found that more than 70 per cent of couples have a tense or terrible relationship with one of their mothers-in-law.

Understanding why she's cool towards you might not solve the problem, but at least it'll feel less personal. In the meantime, limit close contact when it's just the two of you, and when you are together, take pride in not rising to the bait.
When Granny showers your child with lollies...

So she seems hellbent on destroying your child's teeth? 'I've often hissed at my husband, "Stop her giving him any more chocolate biscuits",' admits Sue, 29, mother to three-year-old Harvey. 'Sometimes I think she only does it to wind me up.'

It's more likely due to wanting to make your child happy, and having grown up in less health-conscious times, when five-a-day was unheard of. When handling the grandparents, it pays to pick your battles with care.

While you'll rightly speak out on a serious matter, the lolly issue is probably one to let go (teeth can always be cleaned, after all).
When she won't stop interfering...

The Daily Telegraph survey found that accusations against the in-laws run from the milder "always trying to interfere and run our lives" and being "selfish and controlling", to the more annoying "loving the ex-wife" and the extreme of being "the world's most bitter human".

Rather than rejecting her many suggestions, the smarter tactic is to at least behave as if you're taking them on board (although where your child is concerned you should, of course, do what you feel is right).

That way, she'll feel valued and part of the family, and less likely to feel she has to force her opinions and beliefs onto you.
When they say they don't see enough of their grandchildren...

Fitting in visits can feel like yet another pressure - we're all time-starved, after all. Bear in mind, though, that children benefit from close relationships with grandparents, and that these bonds can even improve social skills, behaviour and confidence.

Even if you can't always be there, try to ensure that your child has the chance to hang out and chat with your parents and in-laws. Short, frequent meet-ups are better than once-in-a-blue-moon visits, as they enable grandparents to keep up to speed with your child's development and ever-changing interests.
When they favour one child over another...

Start by giving them the benefit of the doubt (perhaps they don't realise how their behaviour is coming across), and suggest that they take the 'less favoured' child an outing sometime.

Flatter them by saying how much he or she would enjoy it, adding, 'I know she'd love some one-to-one time with you.' Sometimes, it's a case of grandparents 'clicking' more easily with a particular child (perhaps they have more shared interests, or the 'favoured' child is perceived as better behaved).

In encouraging them to get to know each of your children as an individual, hopefully you'll help to redress the balance.
When they're always popping in...

Feel like your space is being invaded? Situations like this become stressful when you feel a loss of control, so explain that certain times aren't great for a visit - perhaps when the children have just come home from school, or you're preparing dinner.

'I explained to my mum that it was such a busy time then, and frustrating for me as I really wanted to chat to her but couldn't,' says mum-of-three Lisa, 39. 'We've started to spend more time together at the weekends, going out for walks with the children and dog, which feels less pressurised.'

If you tread carefully, hopefully she'll see things from your perspective, and not feel unwanted.
When they're reluctant to help you out...

There's been an enormous increase in grandparents providing childcare for grandchildren - yet some seem reluctant to even babysit. It can be hurtful and frustrating, and is certainly inconvenient - but before you dismiss them as uncaring, consider why they're not pitching in.

Perhaps they lack confidence to look after your child, and worry about something going wrong? If so, they might be persuaded to babysit for just a short period, with you not too far away.

However, if there's still no joy, you may have to face the fact that not all grannies and granddads wish to be hands-on. After all, becoming a grandparent doesn't automatically make someone child-friendly.
When they're too strict with your child...

Disagreements about discipline are one of the most common flashpoints where grandparents are concerned - and if you feel they're being too harsh, it's vital that you say so.

While they might argue that you're too soft, it's up to you and your partner - as parents - to agree on a strategy for discipline, and to be as consistent as possible. If you hear that a grandparent has smacked your child, make it absolutely clear that this is unacceptable.
Granny hasn't bonded with your child...

It would be wonderful if every child had a devoted granny - but in reality, the relationship sometimes needs a helping hand. As well as involving your mum (or mum-in-law) in family events, encourage your child to interact with her too - perhaps by sending hand-written thank you notes or drawings if she lives far away.

The frantic pace of everyday life can make it harder for children and grandparents to bond. In a recent study, 64 per cent of grandparents said their grandchildren's hectic schedules stopped them seeing them as much as they'd like.
When they won't child-proof their home...

'I'm a nervous wreck whenever we visit the in-laws,' admits Catriona, 37, mum to boys of two and four. 'There are crystal vases all over the place, and my father-in-law has a collection of vintage Matchbox cars which no one's allowed to play with - yet they're within reach of little hands.'

Perhaps they're out of touch with small children and have simply forgotten how much havoc they can wreak. If so, politely (but firmly) ask if you can temporarily put delicate, precious or potentially dangerous items out of reach.
When they spoil their grandchildren...

So they shower your child with presents, spending far more than you're comfortable with (or could afford to spend yourself?).

Try to relax, and accept that they do it out of love and because it gives them pleasure, and not to undermine you in any way. If the sheer volume of gifts is off the scale, you could suggest that they contribute to a larger item instead. If you're still uncomfortable, there's no harm in asking your child to do odd jobs for them, as a way of showing appreciation and giving something back.
Next Up: A guide to dealing with other people's kids
So an unruly young visitor has complained about your 'nasty' cooking...and is now using your sofa as a trampoline.