The only parenting advice you need
The baby may be out of your body, but you'll still look 7 months pregnant for several weeks
Even if you were a lean, mean, marathon-running machine before your pregnancy, it takes a while for your uterus to shrink back to normal size, and it may take your tummy even longer. (Don't be disappointed, then, when two weeks after your baby's birth someone asks you, "When are you due?" It's happened to all of us.) For some women, snapping back into shape happens easily and naturally; for others it's a lifelong struggle. At the very least, "nine months on, nine months off" is a reasonable mantra to master.
At first, the thought of doing a number two will be scarier than jumping out of a plane
Many hospitals won't discharge you until you've proven you can still master this critical bodily function. As magical as those pain killers can be, one of the not-so-lovely- side effects is constipation. In case they forget to mention it in the maternity ward, stool softener can be your new best friend. Plus, if your husband has been whining about feeling excluded, he'll appreciate it when you send him to the pharmacy for a giant-size bottle of the stuff. (Okay, probably not - but you'll be grateful enough for the two of you.)
You might not fall in love with your baby right away
Some women feel an immediate bond with their newborns; others, well, don't. In fact, some admit that it took weeks (and in more extreme cases months) before they felt that fierce, soul-stirring, hurt-my-kid-and-I'll-break-your-kneecaps kind of motherly love. Some women also say they felt an immediate protectiveness of their new babies, but not exactly love. Not feeling an insta-bond isn't necessarily a sgn of postpartum depression. After all, your hormones are all over the map, you've just been through a grueling physical transformation and you don't even know the kid yet. But you'll fall in love with her soon enough.
Breastfeeding may be natural, but it's not always easy
Back in the olden days (did we just say that?) nursing was a skill passed on from mother to daughter. Today, there's at least a decent chance your mum didn't breastfeed, and even if she did, she probably doesn't live next door or upstairs anymore. The truth is, breastfeeding is a skill, and it can be hard to master. Our best advice for new mums? Get some help, pronto! Call your doctor, your doula or the hospital where you delivered and ask for the name and number of a trusted lactation consultant. Often it only takes a slight tweak here or a tiny adjustment there to become a feeding phenom.
Everyone will have (and offer) an opinion on how you're parenting
We're not just talking about your sister or mother-in-law (although they're sure to weigh in, too.) Your friends, your neighbours, other mums at the park, total strangers at Gloria Jeans and anyone in your vicinity who's birthed a baby before will offer unsolicited advice about roughly everything baby-related. They'll tell you how, when, where and what to feed your newborn (be prepared for the chirpy "best is breast" comments if you pull out a bottle.) They'll suggest toys, books, gadgets, gear, babysitters, classes, swaddling methods and more. They'll even bombard you with a parade of embarrassing questions about bodily functions (yours and the baby's.) Our advice: nod your head, smile sweetly and say nothing at all. If hard pressed, offer a vague yet simple "good to know" and then excuse yourself.
You'll be lucky if you can find two outfits you feel presentable in
You're sick to death of your entire maternity wardrobe, but none of your "before" clothes fit yet. Get dressed every day anyway, even if it's just to look presentable to the postie. Our advice: Buy or borrow a few basic pieces that will hold you over until you get your old body (mostly) back. Having one great pair of stretchy pants or a cute skirt and a few flattering tops can make all the difference in your new-mum mood. (You already know this, but it bears repeating here: black is universally slimming and hides all sorts of bulges.)
A shower isn't a routine hygienic practice, it's a luxury
Remember when you'd wake up leisurely and perhaps sip a nice cup of coffee as you perused the newspaper? Yeah, those days are over. Even though newborns don't do all that much, they demand almost constant attention and take up an unholy amount of time. When you can't live with your greasy hair for one second longer, bring her car seat or bouncy seat into the bathroom and strap her in where you can see her as you soap up. Until then, brushed teeth may be as far as you get with your personal grooming.
"Sleep when the baby sleeps" is brilliant in theory -- but will rarely happen
As soon as you put the baby down for a nap, you'll suddenly be able to do all of those two-handed tasks you couldn't do when she was awake. And once you get a few of them crossed off your list, you'll realise that the baby could wake up any minute so if you could just. get. the dishwasher unloaded! And then you've missed the nap window -- again.
New mums can be crazy-competitive
We only speak to Noah in Mandarin. Is Lilly smiling/laughing/rolling over/sleeping through the night yet? You're doing mummy-and-me baby yoga, aren't you? Since newborns don't come with handbooks, all new mums are pretty much winging it. Comparing milestones and milk output helps make some of them feel better about the choices they're making. And sometimes, they're just trying to make simple conversation or feel validated in their own choices... so don't rush to the defensive. Either way, don't let another mum's parenting style make you question your own; only you know what's best for your family.
You'll stare at your baby for hours at a time and marvel at the fact that you are someone's mother
You'll hear someone shout mum in a store and turn your head -- even though it couldn't possibly be your ten-day-old doing the bellowing. You'll find a way to say "my son" or "my daughter" dozens of times a day. You will be overwhelmed when you consider that just a short while ago you were a couple and now you are a family. And no matter what your relationship with your own mum looks like, your heart will soften just a tiny bit when you picture her in your shoes.
You'll lose all sorts of things (your car keys, your wallet, your ability to recall basic information) because you are very busy not losing a baby
Even though it's not like she can take off on her own, just having a baby there with you 24/7 is a colossal responsibility - one that leaves no extra juice for taxing mental tasks like remembering to call your sister-in-law on her birthday. At the end of the day, as long as baby's safe and healthy, nothing else really matters.
You'll resent your partner's freedom, even though you wouldn't trade places with him for anything in the world
"Going to work!" he'll chirp, and you will look at his freshly-washed hair and nicely pressed shirt and think about the delicious restaurant lunch he's going to have -- while you eat canned soup again -- and you may decide that you don't like him very much. It's not that you can't handle the job of being mum (although sometimes it is overwhelming); and sure, you realise that this time with your baby is priceless and fleeting. But every once in a while, you will yearn for an adult conversation, an excuse to put on lip gloss and any task more intellectually challenging than changing a crib sheet. Trust us, you'll get all three soon enough, and then you'll be pining for these days again. It may seem impossible now, but any veteran mum will tell you it's true. Savour these days!
You'll cry at shampoo commercials and wonder if you're going mad
You're perfectly normal, or at least as close to normal as a sleep-deprived, hormone-ravaged new mum can be. Beyond biology and exhaustion, bringing a baby into the world is a hugely emotional experience. Because of that, your feelings will never be far from the surface. Like almost every other post-partum phenomenon, this too will pass.
Every parenting book you read will contradict the last one
Sleep is a skill that needs to be taught. A baby will sleep when he's good and tired. Always pick up a crying baby. Never pick up a crying baby. The reason there's so much inconsistency among parenting experts is because every baby is different and every situation is different. Plus, parenting is as much about instinct as it is about skill. As you peruse the army of parenting books out there, some things will simply make sense to you; others will seem absurd. The bottom line: Be open to new ideas and wisdom, but also trust your gut.
You'll be shocked -- shocked! -- at how fast your baby goes through a stack of nappies
You bought a package or two of newborn nappies, and maybe even got one of those cute nappy-cakes at your baby shower. When you unloaded them into the nursery, you figured you were good for at least several months. Try several days. First, there's the little matter of new-mum neurosis, which will lead you to check and probably change your newborn's nappy roughly every 10 minutes, at least initially. (If you stick to that rigorous ten-minute schedule, you'll change 144 nappies in the first day alone. We're just saying.) Even once you settle into a more realistic change-after-a-feeding schedule, you can still go through a dozen nappies a day. Whatever you do -- and whether you go the cloth or the disposable route -- don't calculate the cost. Trust us, the number is big.
A tiny baby in a simple car seat: one combo that's a lot heavier than it looks
You may have done weeks of research to find the safest, comfiest, most ergonomically correct infant car seat on the market -- but no amount of desk research can prepare you for the physical strain of lugging it around. The good news is your arms will keep getting stronger as your baby gets bigger, so think of lugging her about as nature's perfect progressive-resistance workout. Can you say nice guns?
Every time she's asleep you'll stare at her chest to make sure she's breathing
You'll do this for hours on end, and finally you'll be convinced that he's okay so you'll walk into another room and then suddenly you'll panic and think ohmygod what if he stopped breathing just now? and you'll rush right back in and resume the staring. Clearly this is the behaviour of a caring, concerned mum and not the mark of a manic crazy-lady. Honest.
Your husband will seem hotter when he's holding the baby
You're seeing everything you love most in the world all tangled up together right there in human form. Plus, you baby's tiny, scrawny limbs make your guy look like a sexier version of the Incredible Hulk in comparison. And then there's the fact that when your husband is holding the baby, you're getting a desperately needed break. That last part alone might make you feel frisky again (but it's okay if it doesn't.)
You'll realise that your beloved first baby is (gasp!) just a dog
Before you had kids, Fido was the centre of your universe. You organised doggie play dates for him, carried photos of him in your wallet, maybe even planned your holidays around a certain hotel's famed pet-friendliness. But the fact is, a new baby means an automatic doggie-demotion for Fido, no matter how much you love the furry little guy or how guilty you feel when you leave him behind on family outings.
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